It’s tough to watch someone going through grief after losing a loved one to death. Seeing someone in emotional pain is not easy, and you may find yourself wanting to do something to ease or take away people’s distress. For sure, you hate to see people you care about suffering.
What do you say in the face of loss? How do you help people you care about in their grief? There’s no clear manual for helping someone adjust to loss, and it can be especially difficult if you’re not used to being around someone who’s been bereaved. This is uncharted territory for all of you.
Sitting with someone else’s emotions can get you emotional too. Watching someone cry can make you feel like crying, and you may find yourself feeling a bit overwhelmed, when you didn’t expect it. And what happens if the person who’s grieving doesn’t behave as you’d expect them to? What if they aren’t crying at all? What if they look normal, like nothing has happened? What if they don’t want to talk or recognize their pain? It can also be difficult if you, yourself have gone through a similar situation, and are perhaps still caught up in your own loss.
Grief takes a journey that’s unique to every person, as unique as that person’s relationship to the one who’s died. The uniqueness of grieving can make offering support on the long haul even more confusing. What you say to people in the early days of loss, may be very different from what you say as weeks and months go on.
What Not To Say
Well meaning people can often blunder into saying words that in fact don’t comfort the grieving person at all. People want to help and so may try to comfort others by putting a ‘happy face’ or a positive spin on the loss, and may attempt to “look on the bright side of things”. This positive spin can often end up offending more than helping.
Saying things like: “Don’t feel bad, you had a good life together” or “You’ll meet someone else” after a spouse has died tends to minimize the grieving person’s pain over their loss. Responding to the loss of your spouse means being in the pain of loss and being filled with regret and shock for some time.
Saying “At least they aren’t suffering anymore” after an illness tends to gloss over the fact that the grieving person still has to face being without their loved one, and manage their sadness over the lost relationship.
Telling people grieving that their loved one “Is in a better place now” implies a religious belief that the one who’s died has moved to heaven or an afterlife. If you don’t know the religious beliefs of the person who’s grieving, comments about an afterlife may cause more pain and distress.
Sharing thoughts like “Everything happens for a reason” or “God only gives you what you can handle” are messages that try to make sense of why death has occurred. Saying words like these to people grieving a tragic or sudden death can come into conflict with how the grieving family understands what’s happened. These phrases also suggest religious beliefs that grieving people may not hold, and may cause them more distress.
Another thing not to say is telling the grieving person “You’re strong”. This is overlooking how weak and vulnerable they may actually be feeling and may make people feel they can’t authentically show how they feel, they have to instead hide it and keep a brave face. Suggesting people can’t be vulnerable, sad and weak is framing the situation with a toxic positivity that is harmful for those grieving.
Finally, saying “I know just how you feel, I lost someone too” forgets that everyone’s grief is unique to them. What you went through during the death of someone you loved will be different from what others experience.
If you have said some of these things to someone grieving, don’t despair. Your intention to help and support will probably be understood. We all tend to repeat what we’ve heard said around us. It’s by taking time to think things through that you can learn to say new words of comfort that end up sharing your desire to help and support in an honest way.
What To Say
Words of comfort are saying things like “I’m sorry for your loss” or “I really cared about your loved one too”. These statements show you care and are connecting to the person who’s grieving in a kind and human way. This says you care and lets the person who’s lost a loved one know they aren’t alone in their grief.
Sharing a memory or story of the person who’s died with those who are grieving is another way to connect and let people know that you understood their loved one and appreciated them. After my parents dies I remember finding it very helpful when people told me stories of times my parents did things that I didn’t know about. One guy told me that my father used to bring treats to a work crew he was managing. Another told me stories of my mother picking blueberries for a senior woman and delivering them to her. These stories brought a moment of joy to my grief and I appreciated them.
Letting the grieving person know “I’ll keep in touch” when you are really able to keep in touch makes a world of difference. These words let people grieving know they can rely on you to talk with them later, to be there and support will continue to flow.
Asking “What can I do to help you now” are words many people really welcome in the days following a loss. There are many tasks that need to get done, and in the fog of grief it’s difficult to figure out where to start. Following up with people a few weeks later and asking again “What can I do to help you now” helps show you are there with people on the journey of grief as it unfolds.
Navigating how to help someone you see grieving is not easy. The important thing is to offer help and kindness in honest ways, and be ready to apologize for any mis-spoken things you may say. Walking with someone in their grief is a great act of support. Offering help along the way lets those who are grieving know they aren’t alone, and they have support and encouragement when they feel lost.
If you are struggling with supporting others experiencing grief, or are grieving yourself, please reach out. The team at Transforming Tides Counselling offers a free 20 minute phone consultation to discuss your needs and answer your questions about grief counselling we offer and how we may best support you. It’s important to feel comfortable with your therapist. Let’s find out if we’re a good fit. Book your free phone consultation here.
