Every couple argues at points in their relationship. It’s a given.
Disagreeing on how to do things… saying angry words in the heat of the moment… feeling frustrated over something your partner did or said… it happens to the best of us. Even the strongest of relationships experience fights. And while you may think fighting will clear the air and resolve hurts and frustrations, fights actually have the potential to cause deeper hurts and damage to your relationship if the arguing or fighting isn’t done fairly.
How often have you and your partner argued and you found yourself carrying it around for days after? Have you noticed yourself losing sleep while your mind replayed the argument over and over? Perhaps your hurt and distress has ended up with you or your partner pulling away a bit, going silent and stewing over what was said and done during your arguing. If these things have happened in your relationship, it’s time to shift things up and learn to talk about difficult things without lasting damage. It’s certainly possible to have intense conversations with your partner while maintaining a sense of respect for each other, and managing your emotions so they don’t get the best of you. It’s all about learning to fight fair.
Fighting fair takes work.
Fighting fair is about intentionally learning to recognize what is happening inside yourself as you start to get heated during an argument. It’s about managing your emotions with more control so you can stay respectful and open to what your partner is also saying and feeling. Fighting fair means focusing on the outcome and how you want your relationship to be over all, so that each argument doesn’t take you down negative paths. Fighting fair is about what you say, how you say it and how your body shows it.
Here are seven tips for fighting fair:
- Hold back the blaming. No one likes to feel blamed for something, even if they are in the wrong. Speaking in a way that shows you blame your partner for what happened leads to your partner feeling defensive and attacked. Getting mixed up in a blame game will create more tension, more hurt and more conflict between you. Instead, try shifting how you say things to stop speaking in terms of “fault” and instead talk about what you notice. For example: instead of saying something like “You’re so lazy, you never get things done like we planned” and come across as attaching your partner’s character and blame them for the job not getting done… say “we talked about getting this project done last week, and I see there’s still some work left to do, so could you please get to it today?” This second way of speaking takes away the blaming and instead focuses on what needs to be done and sets a timeline for getting it done.
- Watch your body language. How you hold your body, what you do with your hands and arms, how you clench your jaw are all signs of ‘speaking’ without saying a word. You’ve probably noticed yourself getting upset if your partner rolls their eyes or folds their arms tightly while you are talking with them. They don’t need to speak to show you how pissed off they are with you, right? Same goes for you. Learning to fight fair means taking a few breaths to relax a bit so you can loosen tension in your body before talking about something you are upset about. Relaxing just a bit can help you make sure you aren’t rolling your eyes when your partner speaks, or sighing loudly after thay say something you don’t agree with. Talking with respect means you turn your body toward your partner while having difficult talks. Turning away in your chair, looking off to the side or walking away while your partner is still speaking shows you are disconnecting and not listening to what they are saying.
- Get things dealt with when they happen. Talk about what is bothering you as soon as possible after it happens. Waiting for the right time can mean you are waiting for weeks or even longer. Storing up things that bother you rather than bringing them up in the moment they happen makes for more internal struggle than is healthy. Holding on to grudges and issues from the past means that the hurt emotions you felt at the time of the problem keep on coming up in your life later on. Dumping issues on your partner after the fact is more dirty fighting than fair fighting. This causes your partner to feel under attack and it often causes you both to get lost in trying to prove what really happened in the past instead of talking about how to fix the hurts that happened when they happened.
- Show respect and speak nicely. Yes it matters to say please and thank you with your partner the same as you would when talking to your friend or even a stranger. Saying “please” is a sign of respect, and saying it to your partner shows you respect their time and energy when you ask them to do something for you. Saying “thank you” and “I appreciate it” shows you value what your partner does for you, and that you are grateful for them. Being polite helps build connection and respect between you. Strengthening your connection helps set the stage for fighting fair.
- Speak so your partner will listen rather than tune out. Starting sentences with “I” instead of “you” tends to lower your partner’s defenses. Saying things like “I’m concerned about this, can we talk?” gets your partner’s attention more than saying “You didn’t do what you said you’d do… or you never listen to me…” Listing off what you think your partner has done wrong will not go over well. Instead, try explaining what you see is happening without judging or accusing. If you see the dishes piling up and you feel like you need help getting them done, try saying “I feel tired just looking at those dishes, … can you help me do them?” This will go farther toward solving the issue than saying something like “You never help with dishes… you always leave the kitchen a mess and expect me to clean it up … you’re no good to help with the housework.”
- Learning to soothe yourself. Soothing or comforting yourself when you are getting riled up helps you stay connected to your partner during tough conversations. Taking time to reassure yourself that you can manage this difficult moment helps you keep a clear head in times of tension. Breathing and taking a moment to settle, and focus on what’s going on in the present moment helps you stay clear of old hurts and emotions related to your mind wandering into the past. Soothing and managing your emotions helps to remind yourself that you and your partner can figure this out. Comforting yourself helps you keep a clear head so you can choose your words and control your body language so that you can fight fair.
- Making repairs is an important part of fighting fair. Making repairs means keeping the bigger picture in mind while you are arguing and doing small things to keep a connection in place between you. It means being aware of how tense your argument is getting and choosing to take a break to calm down. Making repairs is all about reconnecting to your partner through small actions and words to fix tension and hurts and letting your partner know you care about them even though you are fighting, and you respect them even though you’re super upset with them. Repair attempts are things like saying “I’m sorry” when you really mean it, or looking your partner in the eye and telling them “you matter to me” and “I want to work this out”.
Fighting fair takes work and holding onto the bigger picture of your relationship and where you want it to go, so you can argue while showing respect and caring for your partner. Fighting in one moment doesn’t erase the foundation of your relationship. Arguing can create a stronger and more committed relationship if you intentionally fight fair.
If you and your partner feel you need more support and are interested in exploring couples counselling the team at Transforming Tides Counselling offers a free 20 minute phone consultation to discuss your needs and answer your questions about counselling with us. It’s important to feel comfortable with your therapist. Let’s find out if we’re a good fit. Book your free phone consultation here.
Reference: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
