Here you are, scrolling Instagram, and you see yet another post of your friends getting gifts from their intimate partners. Giving gifts means they love you, right? Isn’t giving gifts the way it’s supposed to be? For sure the social scene is quick to give you the idea love is all in the wrapped item he or she surprises you with. Hallmark even says there’s a list for each anniversary and lets you know that paper is for the first anniversary, cotton for the second, leather for the third, and on it goes.
It’s easy to fall into the habit of noticing what others are up to in their relationships and comparing yours to what you see around you. Making sure your relationship is like others is a way to feel like you are on track, and what you share with your partner is legit, real and strong. Being in circumstances that are different from what you see in other couples can really have you second guessing things. Questions like, “Are we okay?” is a common question you might ask yourself if your partner hasn’t given you gifts like your friends have.
Here you are, scrolling Instagram, and you see yet another post of your friends getting gifts from their intimate partners. Giving gifts means they love you, right? Isn’t giving gifts the way it’s supposed to be? For sure the social scene is quick to give you the idea love is all in the wrapped item he or she surprises you with. Hallmark even says there’s a list for each anniversary and lets you know that paper is for the first anniversary, cotton for the second, leather for the third, and on it goes.
It’s easy to fall into the habit of noticing what others are up to in their relationships and comparing yours to what you see around you. Making sure your relationship is like others is a way to feel like you are on track, and what you share with your partner is legit, real and strong. Being in circumstances that are different from what you see in other couples can really have you second guessing things. Questions like, “Are we okay?” is a common question you might ask yourself if your partner hasn’t given you gifts like your friends have.
Do gifts really matter?
While gifts are a traditional way to say “I love you” they are not necessary to have a healthy relationship. Sometimes you need to face off against the traditional ways and carve out what works just for you and your partner. Love can be expressed through many ways other than gifts. Dr Gary Chapman, a well known marriage therapist, wrote “The Five Love Languages” to share five key ways that different people with different personalities give love and receive love. He wrote that the five ways to show and receive love are Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch.
For some people, they show they love others by doing kind and helpful things and they feel loved when acts of service are done for them. Acts of Service might be making supper for your partner so it’s ready when they get home from work… or picking up the groceries you are low on so your partner doesn’t have to… Maybe you’ve noticed your partner doing small things around the house to help you out, without you having to ask and these small actions have been really important to you. These actions may be “saying I love you” without you hearing the words.
Spending meaningful time with each other is another way you and your partner may be expressing love. Taking time out on the weekend to spend a couple hours together, walking in the park or going together to the kids hockey game and sitting in the stands with a coffee may be ways your partner is showing you how they care.
Taking a minute before you leave in the morning to wish your partner a good day and saying “I love you” before you fall asleep at night are putting words of affirmation into the expression of love. Putting love into words takes away the guessing and makes your partner’s feelings for you loud and clear.
Putting an arm around you or taking time to give you a neck massage at the end of the day may be ways you experience being loved and cared for. Physical touch can convey great caring, tenderness and affection and create a close intimacy between you.
Getting to the bottom of how your partner shows they love you can take the guesswork out of your relationship. Taking time to talk together when you are feeling relaxed and taking the quiz on The Five Love Languages can bring up new information on your relationship. The link for this quiz is posted at the end of this blog. Take time to clarify what signs you are looking for to know that your partner loves you, and sharing how you show your love for them will strengthen your relationship and commitment to each other. You may find that gift giving isn’t a part of your love communication at all.
Your love communication styles are unique to you. Talking about how you feel when your partner shares their love language is key to deepening your bond together. Replicating what you see your friends doing may only lead to feeling empty and lost. Expressing love is as unique as the two of you and getting clear together on what matters makes all the difference.
If you are struggling to find love and connection in your relationship you may want to consider couples counselling. The team at Transforming Tides Counselling offers a free 20 minute phone consultation to discuss your needs and answer your questions about counselling with us. It’s important to feel comfortable with your therapist. Let’s find out if we’re a good fit.
References:
Dr Gary Chapman’s website: https://5lovelanguages.com/
The Five Love Languages Quiz: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
